And Now... We Fight

Despite any and all attempts from 2020 (the year that just can never seem to quit) to prevent us from reaching this day, here we are. Election day 2020. I feel compelled to say something, even though I know that everyone probably feels compelled to say something. Perhaps it’s because I’m an anxious talker. Ask anyone who knows me, ya boi knows his way around being long-winded.

I can’t remember an election in recent history that has felt the way that this one does. I remember the sinking feeling of 2016. The elation of 2012. The hope of 2008. But this year has been so unlike any other that it would only be fitting to be an election year. The United States is truly at a tipping point, so what I have to say is this:

Today is not the end of something. No matter who wins (though for numerous reasons I am begging our country to stop the madness that is Donald Trump’s presidency), the fight carries on tomorrow. And the next day. And the next month. And the next years, decades, and lifetimes. If I have learned anything over these past 11 months it’s that complacency leads to destruction. After all the ballots are counted and the ads stop running, we can’t just shift into cruise control. We need to continue pursuing a better, more progressive country. We need to continue learning to love and respect one another. We need to be more inclusive. To understand the power of our language. To do all the seemingly small things that ultimately lead us into being a better human.

It has taken me 31 years to become who I am. I am not proud of who I was before, but I can use that to fuel me to continue living in a way that all people can feel safe and heard and welcome around me. I hope for a lifetime of going “out of my way” to stand up and help others. I hope that I am continuously sacrificing so that I can create a better future for people I may never even meet. I hope to constantly be increasing my capacity for change.

I guess it gives me some peace of mind to know that this election is far from over when the polls close. This is the beginning of a lifetime of advocacy. We don’t get to put the genie back in the bottle now. We have been broken and we need to set the bone before we can heal. That is going to be painful and require a lot of effort, but we have to continue to stay engaged. This election is not the end of something. It’s the beginning of our future.

Creativity Never Sleeps

Creativity never sleeps

It doesn't understand regulated schedules

It doesn't comply with a 9-5

It doesn't know what's convenient

It doesn't sit patiently in the corner waiting

for the appropriate time, or place, or circumstance

Instead it strikes

In a moment

In an instant

In a fleeting thought or passing glance

And we catch it

Or we don't

But we always keep chasing that moment

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics Of "Savannah"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Savannah

I have to come clean. This song is truly a concept, not a memory. I mean, I’m sure that there are some tangible elements that I could connect to real people in my life, but the true intent was to create something that was purely based on a feeling. In a lot of ways, this song is just a cheap ripoff of an artist who I won’t name. Mostly because said artist turned out to be a shit person and I don’t want to give them the credit. So with that being said…

“When you moved up from Georgia, all your peaches turned to pines as you went north.”

Ok I really wanted to start with the first line because “Savannah” in and of itself was written to pay tribute to probably my favorite (or at least top 3) Relient K song of all time. Alas, the rest of it is just meant to set the scene. This line, on the other hand, has much more of a story. I remember writing it and thinking “This is so dumb. Who am I, the Wiggles?” Especially because I have never been to Georgia. I mean I haven’t even driven through it. So really… I was writing from nothing. But the more I played this song, the more people told me that this was the line they really liked. It is super visual. It sets the ideal scene. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that people (including myself) are in love with both the subtle nuances and the larger idea of their hometown. It’s not just the Brewery City pizza on Capital Blvd that holds memories, it’s also the evergreens and the rain and the larger assumptions of where you come from. So I kept it and honestly, I love it now.

“Get me loaded, then kiss me. Keep the room just spinning ‘round.”

Ok this one was a little influenced by my own life. I mean… I feel like the line explains itself, but the feeling is just so palpable for me. I remember being so enamored and feeling drunk, sick, and elated all at the same time. There’s a giddiness about it. Ultimately this song’s purpose is to suck the poison from that wound, but there is definitely beauty in admitting that someone or something makes you feel high. Even if it sucks to admit. 

“Montana, Montana, the east couldn’t meet the west any worse.”


I don’t actually hate Montana. In fact I think it’s very beautiful. I just needed a place to hate and it needed to rhyme with Savannah. Some things just aren’t that deep.


“With your big skies, your sweet lies pull me in, push me out, and leave me cursed.”

Ohhhhhhhhh I loved writing this line. Sometimes you just put pen to paper and it works. It just fucking works. The pull/push dynamic made me think of tides and how you can swell with emotion and then just feel completely empty moments later. The curse is that the tides will always happen. There is no ceasing. To live and experience such high high’s and such low low’s is a gift, but it also just sucks sometimes. It is what makes life worth experiencing though.

“Can you hold me like you want me, if only for once? “

I mean… yeah.

All in all, the idea with this song was to 1) be as truthful to the concept/feeling as possible and 2) find creative ways to validate sadness and hurt. The first half of the record is all very happy and hopeful (and introspective at times), but there is a whole gamut of emotions that we experience. I don’t want people to listen to a record and feel guilty for being sad. My life, despite its joys and triumphs, has also been fraught with disappointment, frustration, and hurt. Whether it was at the hands of other people or at my own expense, the sun doesn’t always shine. Music has always been a way to help me cope with that. Bringing the sadness into the light, and especially sharing it with others, helps me keep it at bay. It takes away a lot of its power. I don’t want to exist without it. I just don’t want it to control me. 


Feel free to speculate the rest:

Savannah

“Savannah, Savannah, I thought that I could handle the words.

When you moved up from Georgia, all your peaches turned to pines as you went north.

Still, I’m hoping that you’ll come and knock me down.

Turn my water into whiskey and leave me on the ground.

Get me loaded, then kiss me. Keep the room just spinning ‘round.

Oh baby, you came and knocked me down.

Montana, Montana, the east couldn’t meet the west any worse.

With your big skies, your sweet lies pull me in, push me out, and leave me cursed.

You got me where you want me, it’s a blessing and a curse.

I could tell you what I need, but you’d only make it worse.

Can you hold me like you want me, if only for once? “

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics of "Oh, Carolina"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Oh, Carolina

I feel like I should start this breakdown by saying that I am generally a happy person. I try not to take myself too seriously or wallow in my own introspection for hours on end. There are things about myself that I am afraid of though. I think that’s what translated into this song. I suppose I shouldn’t say “afraid”, but rather “aware.” I think that it’s important to unpack those things from time to time and look at them. It works as a sort of therapy for me. It takes the power away from them for me to say “this is who I am. These feelings are tangible and real. They are valid and coexist with who I am. I am not lesser because of them.” 

“we were standing in the kitchen watching the sunset. You were missing the gold coast.”

So a good chunk of this song is about relocating my entire life, numerous times, to numerous places. Specifically, this line is about moving to Omaha, NE. I grew up as a military kid, so moving wasn’t something that was foreign to me. I suppose that never makes the process any easier. It also doesn’t make you less homesick sometimes. My first year in Nebraska was gold-plated, in a way. Everything is new, fresh, and exciting. It’s hard to complain about a years worth of new experiences, people, opportunities, etc… After a while the shine wears off and anywhere you are just becomes a place to live. 

“Then three months passed like 18 years and we pushed ourselves right to the breaking point.

We found ourselves a little drunk, standing in the kitchen watching the sun go down like before.”

Remember when I said relocating isn’t easy? It’s not. It creates tension. It creates anxiety. It creates frustration and doubt and damn near want to cry sometimes. Nothing feels like home. Time moves in a different way. The rain smells different and sounds foreign. It’s all alien. My humanity, no matter how much I try to fight it, craves comfort. It wants the old friends. It wants the old restaurants, the streets, the traffic, the chaos. I can admit that I am not always the easiest person to live with. Stagnancy drives me crazy and, just as the old adage states, we hurt the ones we love the most. Probably because we know they will forgive us. Or at least that they have forgiven us in the past. Regardless, I think the next line is important because it brings some levity to the burden. Amidst all the frustration, we’re still the dumb 20-somethings, a little buzzed, a lot in love, trying to make life happen.

“I said “ I’m not afraid, but you think I’m brave and I don’t have the strength to be alone””

Because art isn’t always an organized process, and because I can be just a weird creator of music, this was actually what I had written first. It is a foreign sensation to admit that you aren’t strong enough to be alone. I am definitely someone who struggles with identity and legacy. How will I be remembered or will I even be remembered? What is my descriptor? What are my “things”? The journey of finding out who you are is one of the more beautiful aspects of life, but it’s not without its shortcomings. There is a deeper message about my mental health hidden underneath this, but I’m not sure that is ready to be unpacked at the moment.

“Carolina you’re on my mind every once in while.”

My not-so-subtle shout out to James Taylor. Consequently on my only acoustic song on the record. Some matches are just made in heaven.

Feel free to speculate the rest.

Oh, Carolina

“Oh, Carolina, I was remembering the time that you let go.

You were standing in the kitchen, watching the sunset, you were missing the gold coast.

You said “I’m not afraid, but you think I’m brave and I don’t have the strength to be alone.”

Then 3 months passed like 18 years and we pushed ourselves right to the breaking point.

When we found ourselves a little drunk, standing in the kitchen watching the sun go down like before.

I said “I’m not afraid, but you think I’m brave and I don’t have the strength to be alone.”

Oh, Carolina, I had to sit and watch the sunset as your heart broke.

Eyes to the horizon, I sometimes hear your voice and feel your ghost.

In the evening rain or when the summer fades. A sweet serenade of stars.

Carolina, you’re on my mind every once in a while.”

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics of "Holy Ghost"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Holy // Ghost

I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been preparing, at least subconsciously, for the breakdown of these lyrics. Ever since the words bled out onto the page I knew there was a story here. An innocence lost. A belief system abandoned. That’s why it became the cornerstone for this record. There is so much to unpack about the words here that it’s going to be hard to avoid spelling it all out, line by line. Since the internet isn’t SUPER keen on reading a short novel about one song (that wasn’t written by Taylor Swift I guess…) I’ll spare you the gory details. Not all the gory details though… you’ll get some of those.

“If it doesn’t matter, Tina, then why even hold my hand?”

I’ve had a lot of people ask me who Tina is. Like… QUITE a few friends are very curious about who I’m talking about here. I don’t believe in giving anyone the satisfaction that I’m writing about them by naming them directly. So, I won’t name them here either, but I will tell you how I came up with the name. Years ago, my wife asked me how songwriter’s choose names to go into songs. Diana. Rhiannon. Delilah. Billie Jean. I really didn’t have an answer because I feel like sometimes it’s a very direct and organic thing. You just name the person you’re talking about. While sometimes you try to take a backdoor to all that upfront honesty and attempt to be poetic about it. This is the latter. I wanted a two syllable name and settled on Tina because 1. I don’t know any Tina’s (so no one’s feelings would get hurt) and 2. it’s a cute shout out to yet another band I was influenced by (Young In The City). I told you those shout outs were filthy all over this record. Anyways… That’s the story behind why I put Tina on there. Yes, Tina is a person I know. You can speculate as too who it is.

“It’s like the winter made you notice that this town is filled with the ghosts of when we were younger, more reckless, and less afraid of what comes next. “

This line is probably the most run-on sentence of the whole song and yet, it makes a ton of sense to me. Something about the endless days of frigid fucking boredom during the Midwest winter makes you take stock of what you’re doing in life. That can be a really scary road to venture down, depending on who you are. For me, I wanted to project some of my own insecurities about who I am and who I’m becoming as I grow older, onto this character I’ve created. I think everyone has those moments where they wonder if becoming older has made them stagnant. 

“So light me up. 

Don’t let me fade out.

Get me drunk.

We’ll tear up the town.

We’re living one last time.

Clear liquor and cloudy eyes.”

I wanted to include the whole chorus because from my point of view, it’s super tongue in cheek. It’s almost so sarcastic that it comes off nasty. When I wrote it, my thought was to take these verses that are super honest and introspective and partner them with a chorus that is seemingly stupid. As if you’re having a conversation with someone that gets too deep and you cop out by saying “Let’s get drunk!” I really like that idea because it’s something I routinely do. 

“If you don’t wonder if leaving couldn’t turn it all around.

If that midnight train out of Pasadena couldn’t help you settle down.”

Damn I really just might break this down line by line… Oh well. You’re in it now right?

I used to (and sometimes still do) have this daydream or fantasy, of just getting in my car and driving away from everything. Never saying goodbye. Not taking anything with me. Just disappearing to somewhere else, as someone else, and starting over. I don’t think it would solve anything. Really, it would probably just hurt a lot of people I care about. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. It just means that I don’t tell anyone when I am thinking about it. So… yeah. Let’s get drunk!

Oh, by the way, yes Midnight Train is a shout out to journey. I mean who hasn’t drunkenly sang along to Don’t Stop Believing at some point in time. The Pasadena shout out is actually to a handful of people from the area that I admire and respect a ton. Eric Lilavois, Joe Olender, Celeigh Chapman. Those three were a huge part of my first west coast tour as a solo artist. We capped off a run of shows in Pasadena, CA at Eric’s studio. I slept on the couch in the studio, but not before I played every single SG Eric owned. It was amazing. 

“Meet me somewhere east of Eden, timshel.”

This line is ripped straight from East of Eden and I felt like it needed to be there to set the scene for an absolute gut-busting bridge. The theme I was playing off of is “Thou Mayest” or the idea that we all have the choice of who we become. We are free to be who we want. More on that later.

“I am who I am because I want to be and you’re not just pretend because I don’t believe.

I’d repent for my sins, but they’re a part of me becoming a better man.”

Ok it’s later now! This bridge is probably the lyrics I’m most proud of on the record. Not because I feel like I’m being edgy or trendy or anything like that. Because this came from a really open and honest place. I don’t subscribe to, and frankly I abhor, the belief that we are not enough and therefore need a deity to make us whole. Humans shouldn’t have to devalue themselves in order to elevate their God. My mistakes are what make me who I am. They are not shortcomings in my character, but foundational building blocks on who I will become. My identity is not as a sinner. You matter. You are enough. You don’t need someone or something to make you whole. Anyone who says you do is either trying to sell you something or is searching for that truth themselves. 

As a final thought, you know what’s really scary? Acceptance. It is really hard to accept ourselves as the wildly inconsistent, emotional, crazy, and weird animals that we are. Also, accepting that we’ve majorly fucked up in the past, and will more than likely majorly fuck up in the future, is a really tough pill to swallow. In fact, it makes me physically sick to think about the terrible person I used to be. The things I used to say. The mental gymnastics I would play to dehumanize those who I disagreed with. It’s disgusting. But you know what? Those mistakes matter. That guilt matters. That bad taste ensures that I’m going to do my damndest not to repeat that behavior. I don’t want forgiveness for the sake of my own self-righteousness. That forgiveness will come through my future actions and whatever those may be, will be my choice. 

Now let’s get drunk.


Feel free to speculate the rest:

Holy // Ghost

“If it doesn’t matter, Tina, then why even hold my hand?

If it doesn’t make you a believer, then why even pretend?

It’s like the winter made you notice that this town is filled with the ghosts of when we were younger, more reckless, and less afraid of what comes next. 

It was all cigarette smoke and your holy ghost.

So light me up. 

Don’t let me fade out.

Get me drunk.

We’ll tear up the town.

We’re living one last time.

Clear liquor and cloudy eyes.

If you don’t wonder if leaving couldn’t turn it all around.

If that midnight train out of Pasadena couldn’t help you settle down.

If that wild heart just keeps beating and you can’t drown out the sound.

Meet me somewhere east of Eden, timshel.

I am who I am because I want to be and you’re not just pretend because I don’t believe.

I’d repent for my sins, but they’re a part of me becoming a better man.”

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics of "Gold (Windows Down)"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Gold (Windows Down)

This was one of those songs that just spills out of you. I had the music for a long, long time (probably over 2 years worth of jam sessions), but when the lyrics came, they came. Funny how that works huh? Anyways, I almost named this record “Gold” because it was such a focal point for me at the time. Golden memories, golden hour, golden nostalgia, golden…. grahams… 

That’s probably why I settled on Holy // Ghost instead…

“It was the summer of ’05, our hearts were on fire, but these streets were more dead than alive.”

Ah the summer of ’05. This was my homage to Bryan Adams’ Summer of ’69. It’s a good song I don’t care what anybody says. It was also paying homage to Butch Walker’s Summer of ’89. Apparently us songwriters really like the summer of things. If you haven’t heard those songs, listen to them. They are pieces of Americana/rock n roll gold. More to the point though, I was a sophomore in high school. Getting sunburned. Learning about drugs. Learning about women. Just reckless with time the way only someone with no concept of it can be. 

“Floating on a breeze down 4th street”

I have tried to force this phrase in a TON of songs I’ve written and it never flowed as well as it does here. 4th street (for those not hip to Olympia, WA) is like the main strip of our downtown area. I cut my teeth playing gigs in nearly every bar, club, warehouse, and ballroom on that street. The Manium. Le Voyeur. The Clipper. The Eagles Hall. The Midnight Sun. The Northern. The Big Room. The Black Front Gallery. My friends and I planted our flag in that territory. I have around 101 stories about those nights.

“You’re damned if you leave it, but your damned if you don’t go”

Leaving your hometown is hard, no matter who you are. However, if you never go anywhere, it’s so easy to become insulated in your little suburban bubble. To become disconnected with the existence of anything outside of your immediate reality. That’s why you have to leave. It doesn’t mean you can’t come back. But, famously I suppose, coming back never feels the same as having never left.

“I’m high, but keep driving. I’m in the back with the windows down.”

I was super nervous to put this line in this song, but when I was writing, it just came naturally. It was like a feeling that I needed to get out. The first time I got high (sorry mom) I was riding around in my friends car. We were probably both 15/16? It felt like we were going warp speed. In reality we were probably going like… 15 mph. I’ll never forget that warm summer breeze, whipping over my outstretched hand. 

There are a lot of memories that aren’t explicitly written into this song, but are implied. People. Places. It’s cathartic to look back and realize that despite your infinite capacity for idiocy and no matter how lost I felt at any point in time, I still found my way here. Somehow. By no less than a minor miracle. Also, in case you were wondering if I would reveal the “who’s” in any of these songs, I refer to David Ramirez, a man much wiser than myself, in saying:

“Hold on to some of your stories, save just a couple from the sound waves. God bless the man behind the microphone. God damn that silver ball and chain.”

Feel free to speculate the rest.

Gold (Windows Down)

“It was the summer of ’05, our hearts were on fire, but these streets were more dead than alive.

Common sense gave way to circumstance and we lost ourselves to the night.

Floating on a breeze down 4th street, we were all out of our minds.

You should’ve seen the way that she looked at me. When the dust cleared, there was a tear in her eye.

She said “You’re damned if you leave it, but your damned if you don’t go”

Now I’m high, but keep driving. I’m in the back with the windows down.

All night, from your bedroom, we’ll paint the streets of this whole town gold.

We were both actors, just actors in a suburban coming of age. 

But, it felt like it mattered and it hurt like hell just to think 

That we’re damned if we leave it, but damned if we don’t go.

Now I’m high, but keep driving. I’m in the back with the windows down.

All night, from your bedroom, we’ll paint the streets of my hometown.”

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics of "Full Moon Fever"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Full Moon Fever:

Let’s address the elephant in the room. Yes, I indeed know that “Full Moon Fever” is a Tom Petty record. Remember when I said that I had hidden tributes to some of my favorite artists throughout this record? Well some are more obvious than others. Now shut up. 

Just kidding, please keep reading. 

Funny enough, I had always intended to pay tribute to Petty on this record, but this song sounds the least influenced by his music. At least, from my ears it does. This was actually supposed to be a rip off of The Killers, but definitely missed the mark there too. 

“You came to me once in a fever dream on a Friday night like a movie scene.

You were silver screen.”

This is a doozy of a line because it was influenced by both Sherwood and the 1975. First, Sherwood has a song called “Alley Cat” that I was damn near obsessed with in high school. Look it up. It’s a bop. That song has a line that goes “with the fever of a Saturday night”, playing off of what I assume is the movie Saturday Night Fever. Rather than be too obvious, I nudged it back a day. Sue me. 

The next portion is basically a rip from Matt Healy of the 1975. He loves using the line “a face straight out a magazine”. So I did a similar rip and made it “movie scene”. They even rhyme with each other. What’s the saying? All good art is an indiscretion? Yeah. That.

“You said “You can’t sweat me out. I’m a part of you darling. No such thing as a clean getaway.

You can move on, but you’ll still be haunted. Part of you leaves. Part of you stays.”

This is a super gutting line and actually super uncomfortable for me to talk about. First, it’s the introduction of the album’s main theme, which is confronting the ghosts that haunt us. Second, it just kind of admits that they’ll always be there. The memories, places, and people are forever etched in our minds. I guess more specifically, this gets me because it’s the admission that you give knowledge of yourself away in every relationship you’re in. There are pieces of you that people know and probably share, even though you two are essentially strangers now. It is weird to think about. Someone out there knows the things that scare you. Things that turn you on. Things that make you mad. Scents that you like. Dumb movies you laugh at. Places you dream about. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. 

“You left behind a piece of someone I don’t recognize when I hold it up to the light”

That’s kind of the entire story of this song. We have all invested in relationships. We have all let the wrong, or I suppose just not the right, person take a look at our naked selves. I don’t believe that cheapens who we are. I think it just crops up sometimes and we’re forced to look at it. Eventually, these memories start to look foreign. Maybe it’s the process of letting go. Maybe it’s the process of losing touch. Whatever it is, it becomes hard to imagine these things ever having meaning in your life. It’s like if you forgot what a spoon was. Seeing it in the silverware drawer would be strange and confusing… and I guess kind of humorous to some degree.

‘I don’t know’ is such a great cop out. So I tried my best to not use it, although it’s truly hard to describe the abstract. Hopefully I did ok. Hopefully someone else has felt at least a modicum of similar emotions. It would really suck to say all of this and have no one else relate. But I suppose, regardless if you’ve addressed this with yourself or not, it is real to me. That’s why I wrote about it. I’m caught between the lines. 

Feel free to speculate the rest:

Full Moon Fever

“You came to me once in a fever dream on a Friday night like a movie scene.

You were silver screen.

Caught me drunk with a liar’s tongue, $5 words, and the courage to be out of touch.

You said “You can’t sweat me out. I’m a part of you darling. No such thing as a clean getaway.

You can move on, but you’ll still be haunted. Part of you leaves. Part of you stays.

I’m caught between the lines. Framed in black and white. Victim to the night. Chasing ghosts and lights.

Second chance, but way off script. Funny how the past never loses its grip. I guess that just takes time.

But you left behind a piece of someone I don’t recognize when I hold it up to the light.

Part of me misses something just like that from time to time.”

Cleverly Titled: A Deep Dive Into The Lyrics of "Car Crash Hearts"

A quick foreword:

I feel like it’s important for me to say, before I dive right in to bearing what is essentially my soul to the internet, that I’ve never really believed in telling friends/family/listeners what a song is about. Everyone experiences lyrics at different times in their life and I don’t want to rob someone of a truly unique interpretation of what I’m saying. I think partly because sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying until I take a step back and look at what’s happened. The creative process is like that for me. All consuming. It is like a fever dream that you wake up from and suddenly there’s art where before there was not. I dunno. It’s all a little pompous (and slightly egotistical), but that’s what art is. All that to say, this record is different and because of its difference, I feel like it can help do the songs more justice to give some context to each. That and, I suppose, I have had a LOT of people ask me about song meanings, lyrics, etc… So ego be damned. Let’s dive in. 

Car Crash Hearts:

Car Crash Hearts was always going to be the opener. When I was writing the music I knew it. When I was writing the chorus I knew it. Shit, before I even wrote the thing I was thinking “This record needs a true opener.” So here it is. 

“We were car crash hearts in the middle of the night on the road to LA”

A lot (and I mean like 90% of this song) is a tribute to touring with my bands (both current and previous.) But, I hid a lot of tributes to my musical influences within a good portion of the songs on the record. This line is one of those. Car crash hearts is a shout out to the Fall Out Boy song “Thriller”. (long live the car crash hearts). It’s a cool line, so I used it. It also captures a lot of the recklessness of being on the road at 18-22 years old. Sleeping in vans, on couches, and occasionally a Dodge stratus. Drinking Four Loko’s on the beach in Oregon under the light of the stars and a Duraflame log. Taking shots in a circle in a dorm and escaping out the 5th floor window when we were about to get caught. Someone trying to sell us bullets after a particularly strange show (thanks Ashland.) Touring is a dream, but also a nightmare, but also… a dream. 

“Don’t take the money, Don’t fade away, Don’t make me wonder, Don’t make me beg, Fill my lungs with the things I want to say.”

This first chorus is kind of depressing and redeeming at the same time for me. A year and a half ago I released songs that I was pretty confident would be my last. I just thought I lost the gift. I always wondered when the magic would run out and it felt like… when you notice something is not quite as tall or shiny or grand as you remember it being as a kid. These were the thoughts running through my head as I thought about life without songwriting. Life without a companion I had since I was 14. I basically have known songwriting longer than most of my closest friends. This record is littered with moments of brutal honesty… this is one of them. 

“We chased the sunset across the borders of different states”

Remember those shout-outs I was talking about before? This was one to my old band (Take Me Instead) and best friends. So Far, So Good. If you know, you know. 

“Horizon Lines, the great divide, and the blindest faith”

This shout out is really deep. Probably only two people in the world know this one (and one of them recently passed away). Look To The Horizon was the name of a record that never really came to fruition. I was also probably 17 when I was writing it with TMI. Time man… makes you realize that album title was just so bad… jeez

“Late night talks in parking lots, shine brightly through the grey”

There’s another band that I play guitar in called Jim’s Bait Shop. We play a lot of covers, but the originals are really where that band shines. One night after a show, it was probably 1 am and we were sharing cigarettes and stories in the parking lot of the venue. It was one of those moments where you become instantly self-aware and think “I may never forget this exact moment in time and if I do, it will be a tragedy.” I remember feeling so lost in my own musical journey and in that moment feeling… less lost? Whatever that emotion is, I needed it. Shine brightly through the grey. 

One last note: There was a hidden line that I never recorded, but always wished I had. I’m not sure why I decided against it at the time. Maybe it just didn’t fit the production well enough. Maybe it was too open for my liking. Regardless of the reasoning, here it is:

“If we all feel lost, is it normal not to find comfort in the pain?”

If you made it this far… you are probably avoiding something. Like work. Either way, I am endlessly grateful for taking some of your time. Interpret the rest as you may:

“We were car crash hearts in the middle of the night on the road to LA.

Forget me nots and vodka shots, it was all a haze.

You’re the nicotine daydream that flows through my veins.

It felt like only you could save me. I had everything.

Don’t chase the money, don’t fade away, don’t make me wonder, don’t make me beg.

Fill my lungs with the things I want to say…

We chased the sunset across the borders of different states.

Horizon lines, the great divide, and the blindest faith.

Don’t chase the money, don’t fade away, don’t make me wonder, don’t make me beg.

Fill my lungs with the things I want to say…

Don’t chase the money, don’t fade away, don’t make me wonder, don’t make me beg.

Late night talks in parking lots, shine brightly through the grey

If we all feel lost is it normal not to find comfort in the pain?”